Loss or Love? pt 3

Love; it’s such a funny word. People often do the complete opposite of what it means! I love you but not enough to stay faithful to you. I love you but not enough to appreciate you. I love you but not enough to find you desirable. I love you but not enough to keep my promises I made to you. I love you but right now you’re just an option to me. These are the lessons I’ve learnt from all the men I used to love. I recently broke up with my ex boyfriend after being single for nearly 5 years. Im so emotional doing this blog entry because my feelings and emotions are SO FRESH!! Im not going to talk about my relationship with (lets call him) Sam because just the thought of the memories I have shared with him brings me to tears.

Like I mentioned before I was nearly single for 5 years, after my relationship with Steve ended I totally ruled out the thought of getting into another relationship, Love and just being vulnerable and letting my walls down. I had my few shares of one night stands but I was okay with it because I didn’t have to have an emotional connection with the person. We were both consenting adults, we knew that after the deed was done the connection was severed. I had number of guys that promised me the world but because I was scared to commit I rejected them, maybe the brokenness Im feeling right now is my fault! Maybe I passed on a guy that was genuine but when you have been feeling like damaged goods and as insecure as I felt for nearly 5 years you would be thinking that every guy is just out there to break your heart. You know the saying “all men are trash” I never thought that, I thought that I was the trash thats why I was treated like trash.

I met Sam on tinder, thats where I met my one night stands. Sam was suppose to be another guy I added to my long list of sexual suitors but we just clicked. Like usually tinder is a hook up app and if the guys message first it would be along the lines of “what are you plans for tonight” or ” you looking for fun” or something with a sexual innuendo but Sam was different he noticed that one of my pictures on my tinder profile was taken in my home country and we bonded because he from there as well. As we continued to talk I could feel my walls come down, layer after layer, brick after brick. I was scared but he told me all the things I wanted to hear, I waited to hear and I longed to hear. When you feel insecure about your body and your appearance it’s nice to hear someone say that they love all the things you’ve found ugly about yourself and you start to believe that what they’re saying is true. Sam just made me feel loved and appreciated so after a couple of months talking I decided that I was ready to try love one more time because it felt right with him. He made me feel things that I kept dormant for years, the feelings that I’ve suppressed a long time ago to keep me from getting hurt.

We started dating and it felt like I was a kid again, like it was my first relationship. My heart was full because he was perfect and he was everything I looked for in a guy;
He was funny
He was soft spoken
He treated me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated
He never failed to express his feelings for me and;
He knew about my past relationships and he knew that being in a relationship was a big deal for me because I have MAJOR trust issues and he was willing to stick by me and help me overcome my issues and for that I was thankful for his patience.
When you’ve been left feeling worthless in the past, you start taking out your insecurities on people and I took it out Sam. The damages that Jack and Steve left me, I genuinely thought I was over it but if I was completely honest..I wasn’t. Maybe it was my fault that caused him to cheat the first time, My constant insecurities…might have been the reason as to why he cheated. He didn’t think what he did was cheating because because he wasn’t physically involved with them. But when you tell other girls that they’re “wifey material” or when you reply to other girls stories on snapchat saying that “I wouldn’t need viagra because your thicc” or “let me taste you pussy because you look like a snack” do you reckon thats cheating or just friendly chitchat? Do you know how shit I felt reading those messages? like my own boyfriend hasn’t called me “thicc” or a “snack” and he was able to tell those random girls that?!

I promised myself after Steve that if I sense any signs of cheating I would leave and I went back on my promise because I blamed myself, It was my Insecurities that caused it. Every action has a equal reaction and it was my fault so I had to fix it. We promised to work things out and I made a promise to myself that I would stop being insecure because Sam has shown me nothing but loyalty its my fault, my fault MY FAULT!!!! Everything was going good, he showered me with affection, love and attention!! At this point in our relationship he moved to be with his mum so we were doing long distance it was hard but the love I had for him didn’t compare to the distance. You hear songs about relationships that talk about TRUST..”there’s no us without trust” I never really trusted Sam after that incident but I didn’t want to leave the relationship, why should I when I was the sole reason why he cheated?? MY INSECURITIES!! Just like most long distance relationship we slept on the phone most nights and when he fell asleep I would often cry because how could someone as perfect as he was, want to be with me, with someone who has a lot of baggages!

The inconsistency started, I would text him and he would take hours to text me back even though I could see that he was online replying to all of his friends but me. His inconsistency was the only thing that we argued about and whenever I expressed my feelings to him, he would say that Im “overreacting” he would make it out that he was the victim..disregarding my feelings! Expressing my feelings to him was like talking to a brick wall..it was going no where so I just stopped expressing them because I didn’t want my “overreaction” to be the reason why he leaves. So whenever he was inconsistent I would just cry my feelings out so I don’t take it out on him. It’s stupid now that I think about it, having someone have this kind of effect on me to the point where I have to hide my feelings in order to keep them happy.

The weekend before we ended things I thought we were in a good place that’s why Im still in shock. On Friday he wasn’t distance if anything he was giving me attention but then came Saturday and he totally ignored me but to me that was normal because Saturdays was #fortheboys but me being insecure texted him if he was cheating then other messages telling him how upset I was because he was ignoring my messages but replying to his friends. Saturday Night I cried myself to sleep and didn’t feel like going to church because I was upset about the night before. We didn’t talk on Sunday until like 6pm and he told him me the reason why he chose to ignore me was because he was sick and tired of being accused of cheating when he wasn’t. I felt really bad because he didn’t deserve to be treated like that, he hasn’t done anything wrong since the last incident. We went back to normal, him giving me attention and telling me that he “loves me” and that he wants to “marry me”.
Monday -No fights
Tuesday Morning- everything was good, he was out looking for jobs, going to agencies to see if they have any vacant positions.
Tuesday Night- I was on his instagram account and I saw a list of follow suggestions and one of them had his picture, I clicked on it he had 6 people following him and he was only following 1 person..a girl! I went to my account trying to look for his page..he blocked me! I texted him straight away asking him if he was cheating? HE DENIED IT!! FIRST LIE!!! I asked him how many instagram accounts he had, he said 2 SECOND LIE! I asked him if he owned his (insert secret account name) he said that his cousin created it and used his pic because he wanted to prank Sam. THIRD LIE!! So I told him that I was going to message the 1 girl he was following and thats when he confessed and said that he only created it because he was being “selfish”, that he was only talking to her on Friday and he wanted to work things out. I love him, I believed him so I agreed. I messaged the girl that night, hoping she would respond right away to give me some sort of closure or assurance. She didn’t!

I cried the whole of Tuesday night, my relationship with God was on the verge of existent but in the midst of me crying I cried out to him “God if my relationship isn’t worth fighting for, give me a sign” and all of a sudden I just stopped crying and I felt at peace, I was heart broken but I was at peace knowing that my relationship with Sam has ran its course.
Wednesday Morning- I was still holding on to the memories of us! The memories that we shared and the memories that we would share in the future. I honestly wanted to still be with him, I let him to tear down the walls I had up, I let him into my life but mostly I let him into my heart. I felt like my whole world was crashing down and I was in the front seat watching it. BUT I knew that if we stayed together it would be toxic, I wouldn’t trust him and my insecurities would be damaging to our relationship. We decided to end it! I cried, like really cried!! I felt like a failure, I have never felt so unloved and unworthy to be loved by anyone. The dreams I had of marrying him ended but the love I have is still very real.
Wednesday Midday- The girl I messaged the night before replied back, she told me that she met Sam on tinder 2 weeks ago and they were talking ever since 4TH LIE!!! Knowing he could have had tinder the entire time of our relationship pains me…like physically pains me!!!

I’ve read about love in books and I’ve seen love being portrayed in movies..I just wanted someone to love me, Like love me completely no BUTS just love me like the love I read about in books and in movies. Love me the way I wanted JACK, STEVE AND SAM never did. I don’t think Im capable of being loved, Im too far damaged to be considered worthy to be loved. I’ve cried throughout writing this entry, tears of not being wanted, tear of not being enough, tears of not being desired, tears of not worthy to be loved are dripping down my face. I have never felt so alone, so unloved in my life! I just feel so broken because I finally thought I could let all my walls down to someone who was genuine but I played my dam self. It’s so unfair, Jack, Steve and Sam are out there living their best lives while Im stuck with the insecurities they all have left me. Out of the three, Sam hurt me the most because he knew how hurt and broken my other two ex’s left me but decided to hurt me even more. Jack broke my heart, Steve broke my confidence but Sam, Sam broke my Spirit.

Loss or Love? pt 2

As Im writing this continuation from my last blog Im currently listening to Without Me by Halsey..such a fucken cliche’..she is such an underrated artist (that is my personal opinion) anyways I shall carry on with this entry. My second boyfriend, lets call him Steve, he was something else…you see I first met Steve on the public bus I was still in high school about the same time I broke up with Jack. I never really spoke to Steve I just saw him and I thought he was cute and he had a pretty smile. Fast forward a friend of mine was tagged in a photo and Steve was in it so I made the gutsy move to add him on facebook just so he knew that I existed. I didn’t find the need to message him or anything I just genuinely wanted him to see me. A couple weeks later a got a bulk notifications that someone has taken their time to like almost all of my profile pictures and what you know old mate Steve was the culprit. It felt nice to be seen so I did the same thing to him, liked all of his pictures and what do you know he messaged me.
I felt like a little kid over again, I guess because of my relationship with Jack and everything that I went it was nice to be noticed.

Steve and I started talking you know the typical “how old are you?” “what’s your fav movie?” and all this basic bullshit. Later I found out that he went to the same Tafe that I went to so we decided to meet up. Steve was an okay singer, he was studying music at Tafe and he didn’t really come from a well-off family so he would bask around Southbank to get that extra cash for his train fare and food for the week. Some days was really slow for him so me being the kind person that I am I decided to help him out with cash so whenever we would go out for lunch or movies I paid for it because I didn’t want him to spend whatever little he had on us because knew I he was struggling. Steve was never physically abusive to me so that was a big plus because in my head it was okay if he was emotionally abusive at least I wasn’t getting physically hit.

We shared passwords, he had my instagram and facebook password and I had his. Everything was going good, he got a job at KFC near where we live so even though he had an income he still didn’t have enough because he had to give majority of his pay to his parents so I was still in a way supporting us. On the weekends he would work the afternoon shifts so he would finish around 10pm-11pm and he would have to walk 12km home because his parents really couldn’t give a shit about him. So I would make my mum pick him up and drop him home because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him because I really did care about him at this point. We lived about 5mins away from each other so he would come over early in the morning and we would just lay in bed, he would sing to me, we would watch movies or videos on youtube. It felt nice because I never really had that with Jack, it was refreshing to be that “loved” up but that was short lived because one morning while we were chilling in my room he got a messaged from viber it was from a girl that asked “baby, what you doing?” I was overcome with so many emotions, I asked him who is this girl and he told me it was a friend so I asked him if he could unlock his phone and all off sudden he started crying in front of me and he kept on apologising. Because of my first relationship the feeling of not being enough sank in so I apologised to him, I apologised for reading his messages because that was invasion of privacy, I apologised for not being a good enough girlfriend to him and I told him we both need to change I’ll start being a better girlfriend and he needs to stop talking to girls and the first thing he said was “I will never change but I love you” all I heard was I love you, I choose to ignore the first part because “we except the love we think we deserve”

Everything was going good, I was a better girlfriend to him and I thought his lust for attention from other girls was over because I gave him all the attention he needed. I was wrong. One day I tried to login to his facebook account but I couldn’t because he changed his password he made up some bullshit saying that his brother knew his password so he had to change it so me being so naive, believed him. It was almost the end of the year so Steve would be graduating but he had a couple of assignments left to do in order to get his diploma. Like I said before he was studying music, I don’t know anything about music or anything that has to do with the structure of instruments but he asked me to do his assignments so I said yes, I looked at the questions and looked at the criteria and it was straight forward you just had to do a lot of research, Tafe is so much easier than Uni cause they give the websites to do your research on. While I was doing his assignment he was busy taking girls on dates and one of my friends saw him and told me about it. I wished my friend told me earlier because I wouldn’t have put so much effort into his assignment which lead to me neglecting mine.

I didn’t confront him about his infidelity but I made a plan with my bestfriend and her sister. I told my bestfriends sister lets call her Tori to add Steve and start talking to him to see if he would fall for the trap and what do you know HE DID!! He was telling Tori how he wants to meet her, that he was single and was ready to have a serious relationship meanwhile Im sitting next to Tori and reading his replies! ANYWAYS back to Tori and Steves conversation they were planning to meet at the city on the day where he knew I was busy babysitting my 3month old nephew, while they were planning I got a text message from Steve asking me if I could give him money cause he didn’t have enough money for the week. So I told him I had class at 5pm the next day so I’ll meet him outside the library to give him the money but really I was going to confront.
That night I cried and cried and cried, thinking how can you say you love someone and cheat on them its just so absurd to me that the word LOVE is just used to make the other person feel some type of way when the person who says it doesn’t even mean it.

The next day was the DAY, the day I was gonna confront Steve. Around 4.30ish he texted me and said he’ll be outside of the library in 2mins. Making my way outside I was already in tears, I was so angry and nervous, coming around the corner I saw him and I cried even more!!!!! Before he could say anything I asked him about Tori he said it was some girl that was crazy obsessed with him, I begged him to stop lying he kept on denying his involvement with Tori so I told him it was me replying to his messages with Tori he was shocked, I was crying in front of everyone..the whole of Brisbane Tafe could see the scene! I felt really uncomfortable and so lost all I wanted was to get the hell away from him to vanish. He didn’t comfort me or hugged me or even apologised the only words that he said was ” I told you I’ll never change” and he walked away leaving me crying. I had class at 5 so I went to the disabled toilets and cried by the time I realised it, class was almost finished.

It took me months to get over Steve and within those months it made me realise that I jumped into another relationship so fast because I was hoping that Jack would see it and get jealous or feel some type of way..you know that Im finally happy without him. I dated Steve because I wanted to feel the same way that Jack made me feel at the beginning of our relationship. I wanted the appreciation and love that Jack never gave me. The love I never felt from Jack, I felt from Steve so it was okay that he was inconsistent, it was okay for me to blame myself for not being a good girlfriend when he was talking to other girls. I knew in my gut that Steve was talking to other girls throughout the 9 months that we were together but it was okay, he loved me the way Jack never did so I was okay with it.

From the first relationship with Jack he left me with the feeling of being not good enough, Steve left me with the feeling of being undesirable. I stayed clear from relationships or anything to do with “LOVE” because I genuinely felt so broken and damaged to be loved. If both of my ex-boyfriends didn’t want me than I was the problem all this time. IT WAS ME!! I was single for 4 years until I met my now ex-boyfriend..

Loss or Love?

The big L word that people toss around like they mean in!! I love you but…its always a but. I’ve been trying to come up with a theme for my first blog and why not talk about LOVE and all its pleasure and pain that come with the term. Is love suppose to make you feel better? or the other person? Often you hear the phrase “keep the same energy” and that my fellow viewers is what i call love. Its not something that you give and not expect anything back, if you do then you’re just waiting to be hurt. Lets journey into my timeframe of my relationships so you can get a better understanding of why love to me is somewhat different to your definition of love.

My first love, can you remember yours? because i sure can remember mine. My first love was my first boyfriend! I was in high school and love to me than was the type of love that you often see portrayed in films; you know..girl/boy falls in love with someone that treats them like shit but for some absurd reason you just cant help it!! that was the type of love i thought was normal. For purposes of my own sanity lets call my first boyfriend Jack. You see just like any other millennial, Jack and i met on facebook (cue violins) Jack was sweet and thoughtful and loving but it was all a facade but I didn’t know it until I was way in too deep. I would often go over his place and stay the night, his parents loved me and I got along with his siblings. You see in my mind, I thought everything was going well, he did not show any signs of not wanting to be with me or he acted like everything was perfect.
You know the phrase “you except the love you think you deserve” yeah that was my mentality. I grew up seeing my grandfather beat my grandmother thinking that was normal, that was love! So I didn’t retaliate when Jack first laid his hands on me because I thought I deserved it..I thought that was his way of showing his love for me. I can remember like it was yesterday, we we’re both in his room listening to music..I skipped school that day because he asked me too and just like a puppy I obeyed. Anyways back to being in his room, we were listening to music and it was my term to chose a song and me being a hardcore gangster at 16, I chose I’ll state mind 4 by hopsin. I knew the lyrics from front to back and I was smashing it and all of a sudden I get hit across the face and Im just lost for words because I didn’t know what I did wrong but apparently my song was too “sweary” for him but mind you “fuck” was in every second word that he uttered!
I was frozen because I didn’t expect that from him but I apologised…him doing that just opened the door for him to abuse me whenever he wanted to..to teach me a lesson is what he used to say.

I remember back when the Samsung galaxy 2 came out, my mum bought it for me and I remember being so happy because that was the first time ever I had gotten a touch screen phone. My happiness was short lived because Jack through my phone out of anger cause I wasn’t answering his calls during school hours. All of this physical and mental abuse went on for nearly 2 years, 2 years of me thinking that it was all my fault, 2 years of being ashamed of myself for feeling that I was such a shit girlfriend, 2 years of feeling so defeated.

Christmas of 2012 his family was going to spend Christmas overseas so he asked to take my Ipod touch, back then the Ipod touch was the shit, if you didn’t have it..you weren’t cool. So he spends about a month overseas with family and I truly missed him, I was so excited to see him..i was so naive and in love that I literally was at his beck and call. I remember I went to youth camp that year and my parents gave me spending money so I was planning to buy him vans. His favourite colour was red but they didn’t have any red vans so I bought him the blue ones. I felt so happy, so giddish like Im buying my man some vans and I was really excited to see his reaction.

FAST FORWARDT!! The day he arrived, I woke up early in the morning, had my shower and got dressed. I had to walk to the bus stop that was 2km from my house but being a good girlfriend I walked. Gocard in one hand and the box of vans in the other. I was off with Kendrick Lamar’s Swimming pool playing in my ears I WAS HYPED! Bus comes I got on it and 15mins later Im walking to his front door.
The first he said was “what are you doing here” I genuinely thought he was playing around so I didn’t really pay attention to the tone in his voice. The following 20mins or so was a blurr, all I can remember was him throwing the vans outside of his room because he didn’t like the colour, him telling me that he has lost feelings for me because I didn’t give him enough attention and my role as a girlfriend was pretty “useless” to him because I wasn’t good enough nor did I “pleasure” him the way he wanted me too.
I was so heart broken I walked out of his to the bus stop crying, I hated that day, I hated how pathetic he made me feel and I hated how I spent all my money on him but most of all I hated myself for not being good enough to love.

It took me 2 years to get over him, just the mention of his name brought me to tears, the smell of Jupe cologne made my heart break. I would consistently stalk his profile to see how he was doing!, was his parents well? , has his younger siblings graduated primary school? It literally hit me, that it was over OVER in 2014 when I saw he was in a relationship with the girl he once told me was his “cousin”…..I cried, like I really cried. I cried because I was hanging on to a hope that now was too far to reach, I cried because my very first love belonged to someone else, I cried because I felt so exhausted and stupid that after 2 years of loving someone who treated me so badly still had that effect on me.

Keep the same energy is what I learnt from my first relationship but I don’t think I have fully grasped that terminology. It’s not something you can learn overnight cause 7 years later Im still learning about my self worth and what I deserve when it comes to love!
The term “we accept the love with think we deserve” is true because if I knew than what I know now I wouldn’t have given every fibre of my being to Jack…my first heart break.