Love; it’s such a funny word. People often do the complete opposite of what it means! I love you but not enough to stay faithful to you. I love you but not enough to appreciate you. I love you but not enough to find you desirable. I love you but not enough to keep my promises I made to you. I love you but right now you’re just an option to me. These are the lessons I’ve learnt from all the men I used to love. I recently broke up with my ex boyfriend after being single for nearly 5 years. Im so emotional doing this blog entry because my feelings and emotions are SO FRESH!! Im not going to talk about my relationship with (lets call him) Sam because just the thought of the memories I have shared with him brings me to tears.
Like I mentioned before I was nearly single for 5 years, after my relationship with Steve ended I totally ruled out the thought of getting into another relationship, Love and just being vulnerable and letting my walls down. I had my few shares of one night stands but I was okay with it because I didn’t have to have an emotional connection with the person. We were both consenting adults, we knew that after the deed was done the connection was severed. I had number of guys that promised me the world but because I was scared to commit I rejected them, maybe the brokenness Im feeling right now is my fault! Maybe I passed on a guy that was genuine but when you have been feeling like damaged goods and as insecure as I felt for nearly 5 years you would be thinking that every guy is just out there to break your heart. You know the saying “all men are trash” I never thought that, I thought that I was the trash thats why I was treated like trash.
I met Sam on tinder, thats where I met my one night stands. Sam was suppose to be another guy I added to my long list of sexual suitors but we just clicked. Like usually tinder is a hook up app and if the guys message first it would be along the lines of “what are you plans for tonight” or ” you looking for fun” or something with a sexual innuendo but Sam was different he noticed that one of my pictures on my tinder profile was taken in my home country and we bonded because he from there as well. As we continued to talk I could feel my walls come down, layer after layer, brick after brick. I was scared but he told me all the things I wanted to hear, I waited to hear and I longed to hear. When you feel insecure about your body and your appearance it’s nice to hear someone say that they love all the things you’ve found ugly about yourself and you start to believe that what they’re saying is true. Sam just made me feel loved and appreciated so after a couple of months talking I decided that I was ready to try love one more time because it felt right with him. He made me feel things that I kept dormant for years, the feelings that I’ve suppressed a long time ago to keep me from getting hurt.
We started dating and it felt like I was a kid again, like it was my first relationship. My heart was full because he was perfect and he was everything I looked for in a guy;
He was funny
He was soft spoken
He treated me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated
He never failed to express his feelings for me and;
He knew about my past relationships and he knew that being in a relationship was a big deal for me because I have MAJOR trust issues and he was willing to stick by me and help me overcome my issues and for that I was thankful for his patience.
When you’ve been left feeling worthless in the past, you start taking out your insecurities on people and I took it out Sam. The damages that Jack and Steve left me, I genuinely thought I was over it but if I was completely honest..I wasn’t. Maybe it was my fault that caused him to cheat the first time, My constant insecurities…might have been the reason as to why he cheated. He didn’t think what he did was cheating because because he wasn’t physically involved with them. But when you tell other girls that they’re “wifey material” or when you reply to other girls stories on snapchat saying that “I wouldn’t need viagra because your thicc” or “let me taste you pussy because you look like a snack” do you reckon thats cheating or just friendly chitchat? Do you know how shit I felt reading those messages? like my own boyfriend hasn’t called me “thicc” or a “snack” and he was able to tell those random girls that?!
I promised myself after Steve that if I sense any signs of cheating I would leave and I went back on my promise because I blamed myself, It was my Insecurities that caused it. Every action has a equal reaction and it was my fault so I had to fix it. We promised to work things out and I made a promise to myself that I would stop being insecure because Sam has shown me nothing but loyalty its my fault, my fault MY FAULT!!!! Everything was going good, he showered me with affection, love and attention!! At this point in our relationship he moved to be with his mum so we were doing long distance it was hard but the love I had for him didn’t compare to the distance. You hear songs about relationships that talk about TRUST..”there’s no us without trust” I never really trusted Sam after that incident but I didn’t want to leave the relationship, why should I when I was the sole reason why he cheated?? MY INSECURITIES!! Just like most long distance relationship we slept on the phone most nights and when he fell asleep I would often cry because how could someone as perfect as he was, want to be with me, with someone who has a lot of baggages!
The inconsistency started, I would text him and he would take hours to text me back even though I could see that he was online replying to all of his friends but me. His inconsistency was the only thing that we argued about and whenever I expressed my feelings to him, he would say that Im “overreacting” he would make it out that he was the victim..disregarding my feelings! Expressing my feelings to him was like talking to a brick wall..it was going no where so I just stopped expressing them because I didn’t want my “overreaction” to be the reason why he leaves. So whenever he was inconsistent I would just cry my feelings out so I don’t take it out on him. It’s stupid now that I think about it, having someone have this kind of effect on me to the point where I have to hide my feelings in order to keep them happy.
The weekend before we ended things I thought we were in a good place that’s why Im still in shock. On Friday he wasn’t distance if anything he was giving me attention but then came Saturday and he totally ignored me but to me that was normal because Saturdays was #fortheboys but me being insecure texted him if he was cheating then other messages telling him how upset I was because he was ignoring my messages but replying to his friends. Saturday Night I cried myself to sleep and didn’t feel like going to church because I was upset about the night before. We didn’t talk on Sunday until like 6pm and he told him me the reason why he chose to ignore me was because he was sick and tired of being accused of cheating when he wasn’t. I felt really bad because he didn’t deserve to be treated like that, he hasn’t done anything wrong since the last incident. We went back to normal, him giving me attention and telling me that he “loves me” and that he wants to “marry me”.
Monday -No fights
Tuesday Morning- everything was good, he was out looking for jobs, going to agencies to see if they have any vacant positions.
Tuesday Night- I was on his instagram account and I saw a list of follow suggestions and one of them had his picture, I clicked on it he had 6 people following him and he was only following 1 person..a girl! I went to my account trying to look for his page..he blocked me! I texted him straight away asking him if he was cheating? HE DENIED IT!! FIRST LIE!!! I asked him how many instagram accounts he had, he said 2 SECOND LIE! I asked him if he owned his (insert secret account name) he said that his cousin created it and used his pic because he wanted to prank Sam. THIRD LIE!! So I told him that I was going to message the 1 girl he was following and thats when he confessed and said that he only created it because he was being “selfish”, that he was only talking to her on Friday and he wanted to work things out. I love him, I believed him so I agreed. I messaged the girl that night, hoping she would respond right away to give me some sort of closure or assurance. She didn’t!
I cried the whole of Tuesday night, my relationship with God was on the verge of existent but in the midst of me crying I cried out to him “God if my relationship isn’t worth fighting for, give me a sign” and all of a sudden I just stopped crying and I felt at peace, I was heart broken but I was at peace knowing that my relationship with Sam has ran its course.
Wednesday Morning- I was still holding on to the memories of us! The memories that we shared and the memories that we would share in the future. I honestly wanted to still be with him, I let him to tear down the walls I had up, I let him into my life but mostly I let him into my heart. I felt like my whole world was crashing down and I was in the front seat watching it. BUT I knew that if we stayed together it would be toxic, I wouldn’t trust him and my insecurities would be damaging to our relationship. We decided to end it! I cried, like really cried!! I felt like a failure, I have never felt so unloved and unworthy to be loved by anyone. The dreams I had of marrying him ended but the love I have is still very real.
Wednesday Midday- The girl I messaged the night before replied back, she told me that she met Sam on tinder 2 weeks ago and they were talking ever since 4TH LIE!!! Knowing he could have had tinder the entire time of our relationship pains me…like physically pains me!!!
I’ve read about love in books and I’ve seen love being portrayed in movies..I just wanted someone to love me, Like love me completely no BUTS just love me like the love I read about in books and in movies. Love me the way I wanted JACK, STEVE AND SAM never did. I don’t think Im capable of being loved, Im too far damaged to be considered worthy to be loved. I’ve cried throughout writing this entry, tears of not being wanted, tear of not being enough, tears of not being desired, tears of not worthy to be loved are dripping down my face. I have never felt so alone, so unloved in my life! I just feel so broken because I finally thought I could let all my walls down to someone who was genuine but I played my dam self. It’s so unfair, Jack, Steve and Sam are out there living their best lives while Im stuck with the insecurities they all have left me. Out of the three, Sam hurt me the most because he knew how hurt and broken my other two ex’s left me but decided to hurt me even more. Jack broke my heart, Steve broke my confidence but Sam, Sam broke my Spirit.