Category: relationship

First time, what was it like?

To my friends who has had the privilege to read my blogs, especially this one, please don’t think of me any different.

This has taken me a long time to type this up, this has been sitting in my drafts for almost 2 months and I feel like this is the only platform I could really express my feelings because to the viewers reading this, Im just an avatar with bad grammar and an extra bad luck when it comes to the male species.

My friends would describe me as someone who doesn’t take life seriously or someone with who has a very blunt way of confronting people…basically someone who doesn’t have a filter (I blame my dad side of the family). My favourite topic to talk about is SEX. Im very open when it comes to the birds and the bees and everything that goes BANG BANG at night. Masturbation, oral sex, sex, role play..name it, lets talk about it. I rarely lie when it comes to the topic sex..emphasise on RARELY.

I think the only time when I lied about sex would be when people ask me when was my first time. I always tell them I lost it to my first boyfriend Jack! If you haven’t my first entry about Jack..heres the link

https://welcometomydomain.home.blog/2019/03/13/loss-or-love/

Im not too sure if it worked but Im sure you can find that entry and the other two Ive made before this one.

l’ll stop digressing, back to the topic; like I said I lie whenever someone ask me about my first time just because I barely remember it and its sounds romantic to tell people that I lost it to my first boyfriend and I could butter it come and come up with the most extravagant, romantic ways on how I lost it. It could be at his house with rose petals all over the bed or a romantic getaway to the sunshine coast! I know I’ve said that a few times when asked. It’s just a more socially acceptable answer to say to someone other than my truth.

I wont go into details about my relationship with Jack because you can read that but we never really had sex, the first couple of times we tried, it never really worked because he would constantly get “soft” maybe Im just ugly too look at, should have worn a paper-bag. So our entire relationship consisted of oral sex (those who are wondering, yes his dick works he has two kids with the girl he told me was his “cousin”) ANYWAYS so after our relationship ended my hymen was still intact!

The start of my final year of high school, fresh out off a two year relationship depressed and so heartbroken I kept a happy face no one knew I was dying inside and my mental health was decreasing as the days went by. ( I sound so dramatic but that’s what I felt like). So many first happened for me that year, My first break up, First time I got black out drunk, First time going clubbing *illegally* and the first time having sex EVER!.

My sister and cousins used to go out every weekend and I was the girl that would help them with mixing their drinks, got them ready for the clubs, walked them to the train station and would wait up for them to return. They always went to the same club and because of that they became friends with the bouncers. So one Saturday evening underaged me decided to join them and guess what I WASN’T CARDED all thanks to the bouncer who had a massive crush on my sister. So obviously the high school student barely legal teen hopped on snapchat to document this marvellous opportunity that was given to me. I was the talk of the school on Monday and I felt like a celebrity.

Fast forward a couple of weekends and a couple of make out sessions with random guys in the club, I felt empowered gone were the debris of the broken fragments Jack had left courtesy of Uncle Jack Daniels. The absence of Jack only lasted a couple of hours as the power of alcohol wore out, its funny how a liquid can take control over your body especially your mind I didn’t know how it could be a blessing and a curse until it slapped me across the face.

IT HAPPENED

The day I lost my virginity, the day I entered the life of promiscuity, the day I would forever retell my story to my friends and my future husband. The day I would feel everything I’ve heard my friends say I would feel…the pinch…the pain..the excitement.. the sensation.. WRONG.. I only felt the pain…Let me take you back to the night it happened.

As per Saturday night ritual, get drunk, get ready, walk to the train staton, enter the club, enjoy your night. The music was pumping, they were a lot of people cause that night was a football game and I guess everyone decided to get drunk after the Win. Colours of maroon flooded the club and there he was.. standing with his friends, the guy who would later be the one who would be taking my honour a couple hours later. The last thing I had a solid memory of was him buying me shots after shots and then I blacked, for the first time ever.

I don’t like using alcohol as an excuse for certain behaviours that you’ve done while under the influence. Maybe in my drunken state I asked for it, I was obviously throwing myself on him through out the night. Maybe I didn’t utter the words because my actions spoke for me because after all actions speak louder than words, right?
Everything was such a blur, I remember walking out to smoke…him grabbing my hand..me falling on my knees and then it went blank for a couple of minutes, until I felt a pain, the pain I wanted to share with someone special in a romantic setting..the type of pain you share with someone you love and that loved you back..but it was gone, he took that opportunity from me it wasn’t romantic at all…well if you call in-between two dumpsters in an alley way romantic. I must have thrown up because the traces of what I ate for lunch was all over my shirt, arms and mouth, I didn’t realise it until he was off me.
Pulling up my pants that was around my ankles to cover my shame, I didn’t realise what happened until I went to the toilet, the pressure and pain I felt from peeing wasn’t what made me realise, it was staring at my panties and what was left of my most precious part of being an untouched woman! blood..Blood…BLOOD. I always fantasied about what my first time would be like, never in a million years would I have imagined that my first time would be one of those horrific stories you hear on the news or on social media. I was that girl, that damaged underaged girl who lost her virginity to a stranger, I wasn’t in love with him; I barely even knew him.

I was so ashamed and felt so disgusted, I still do when I think about it. It was one of my lowest parts in my life and something I will forever be scared to share my story because of the fear of being looked down upon or laughed at or worse being accused of lying. My story of how I lost my virginity…A LIE the pain and shame I still feel is not a lie…its a burden that was caused because of me. Some people might call this rape, some might call this as the girl who had too much to drink..she got what she deserved . Was it consensual maybe by actions…but I never asked for this.

I didn’t speak of this until a year later. I finally had the guts and told my cousins and sister when we were sitting outside one night, telling out secrets of things that we went through..my courage to tell my story came from my sister Who confessed to being molested by the same man who….. to be continued

Loss or Love? pt 2

As Im writing this continuation from my last blog Im currently listening to Without Me by Halsey..such a fucken cliche’..she is such an underrated artist (that is my personal opinion) anyways I shall carry on with this entry. My second boyfriend, lets call him Steve, he was something else…you see I first met Steve on the public bus I was still in high school about the same time I broke up with Jack. I never really spoke to Steve I just saw him and I thought he was cute and he had a pretty smile. Fast forward a friend of mine was tagged in a photo and Steve was in it so I made the gutsy move to add him on facebook just so he knew that I existed. I didn’t find the need to message him or anything I just genuinely wanted him to see me. A couple weeks later a got a bulk notifications that someone has taken their time to like almost all of my profile pictures and what you know old mate Steve was the culprit. It felt nice to be seen so I did the same thing to him, liked all of his pictures and what do you know he messaged me.
I felt like a little kid over again, I guess because of my relationship with Jack and everything that I went it was nice to be noticed.

Steve and I started talking you know the typical “how old are you?” “what’s your fav movie?” and all this basic bullshit. Later I found out that he went to the same Tafe that I went to so we decided to meet up. Steve was an okay singer, he was studying music at Tafe and he didn’t really come from a well-off family so he would bask around Southbank to get that extra cash for his train fare and food for the week. Some days was really slow for him so me being the kind person that I am I decided to help him out with cash so whenever we would go out for lunch or movies I paid for it because I didn’t want him to spend whatever little he had on us because knew I he was struggling. Steve was never physically abusive to me so that was a big plus because in my head it was okay if he was emotionally abusive at least I wasn’t getting physically hit.

We shared passwords, he had my instagram and facebook password and I had his. Everything was going good, he got a job at KFC near where we live so even though he had an income he still didn’t have enough because he had to give majority of his pay to his parents so I was still in a way supporting us. On the weekends he would work the afternoon shifts so he would finish around 10pm-11pm and he would have to walk 12km home because his parents really couldn’t give a shit about him. So I would make my mum pick him up and drop him home because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him because I really did care about him at this point. We lived about 5mins away from each other so he would come over early in the morning and we would just lay in bed, he would sing to me, we would watch movies or videos on youtube. It felt nice because I never really had that with Jack, it was refreshing to be that “loved” up but that was short lived because one morning while we were chilling in my room he got a messaged from viber it was from a girl that asked “baby, what you doing?” I was overcome with so many emotions, I asked him who is this girl and he told me it was a friend so I asked him if he could unlock his phone and all off sudden he started crying in front of me and he kept on apologising. Because of my first relationship the feeling of not being enough sank in so I apologised to him, I apologised for reading his messages because that was invasion of privacy, I apologised for not being a good enough girlfriend to him and I told him we both need to change I’ll start being a better girlfriend and he needs to stop talking to girls and the first thing he said was “I will never change but I love you” all I heard was I love you, I choose to ignore the first part because “we except the love we think we deserve”

Everything was going good, I was a better girlfriend to him and I thought his lust for attention from other girls was over because I gave him all the attention he needed. I was wrong. One day I tried to login to his facebook account but I couldn’t because he changed his password he made up some bullshit saying that his brother knew his password so he had to change it so me being so naive, believed him. It was almost the end of the year so Steve would be graduating but he had a couple of assignments left to do in order to get his diploma. Like I said before he was studying music, I don’t know anything about music or anything that has to do with the structure of instruments but he asked me to do his assignments so I said yes, I looked at the questions and looked at the criteria and it was straight forward you just had to do a lot of research, Tafe is so much easier than Uni cause they give the websites to do your research on. While I was doing his assignment he was busy taking girls on dates and one of my friends saw him and told me about it. I wished my friend told me earlier because I wouldn’t have put so much effort into his assignment which lead to me neglecting mine.

I didn’t confront him about his infidelity but I made a plan with my bestfriend and her sister. I told my bestfriends sister lets call her Tori to add Steve and start talking to him to see if he would fall for the trap and what do you know HE DID!! He was telling Tori how he wants to meet her, that he was single and was ready to have a serious relationship meanwhile Im sitting next to Tori and reading his replies! ANYWAYS back to Tori and Steves conversation they were planning to meet at the city on the day where he knew I was busy babysitting my 3month old nephew, while they were planning I got a text message from Steve asking me if I could give him money cause he didn’t have enough money for the week. So I told him I had class at 5pm the next day so I’ll meet him outside the library to give him the money but really I was going to confront.
That night I cried and cried and cried, thinking how can you say you love someone and cheat on them its just so absurd to me that the word LOVE is just used to make the other person feel some type of way when the person who says it doesn’t even mean it.

The next day was the DAY, the day I was gonna confront Steve. Around 4.30ish he texted me and said he’ll be outside of the library in 2mins. Making my way outside I was already in tears, I was so angry and nervous, coming around the corner I saw him and I cried even more!!!!! Before he could say anything I asked him about Tori he said it was some girl that was crazy obsessed with him, I begged him to stop lying he kept on denying his involvement with Tori so I told him it was me replying to his messages with Tori he was shocked, I was crying in front of everyone..the whole of Brisbane Tafe could see the scene! I felt really uncomfortable and so lost all I wanted was to get the hell away from him to vanish. He didn’t comfort me or hugged me or even apologised the only words that he said was ” I told you I’ll never change” and he walked away leaving me crying. I had class at 5 so I went to the disabled toilets and cried by the time I realised it, class was almost finished.

It took me months to get over Steve and within those months it made me realise that I jumped into another relationship so fast because I was hoping that Jack would see it and get jealous or feel some type of way..you know that Im finally happy without him. I dated Steve because I wanted to feel the same way that Jack made me feel at the beginning of our relationship. I wanted the appreciation and love that Jack never gave me. The love I never felt from Jack, I felt from Steve so it was okay that he was inconsistent, it was okay for me to blame myself for not being a good girlfriend when he was talking to other girls. I knew in my gut that Steve was talking to other girls throughout the 9 months that we were together but it was okay, he loved me the way Jack never did so I was okay with it.

From the first relationship with Jack he left me with the feeling of being not good enough, Steve left me with the feeling of being undesirable. I stayed clear from relationships or anything to do with “LOVE” because I genuinely felt so broken and damaged to be loved. If both of my ex-boyfriends didn’t want me than I was the problem all this time. IT WAS ME!! I was single for 4 years until I met my now ex-boyfriend..